I keep on Falling!

Latley, this past week, I have had to make some very tough descisions, which no matter what the case is never easy. But, I'm getting thorugh it, even though I'm getting hurt. It's always about a guy, isn't it? And I'd be friends, too. I want to be friends, but I just don't know what the hell is going on anymore. I just want to be loved. Is that so wrong? I want a man to look at me, and be happy, and be excited that I'm his girl. One day though, it will happen.

And not this week. I have to get back to studying. Fabuloussss! Haha.

Heat, God, and Fear.

For one thing, it's fucking hot out. I hate the heat, and to top it off my apartment has no air conditioning. I just have to sit here with my sticky skin, and the worst part is that for some reason the heat affects my libido like crazy. I can't even get through My British Literature Course without having unfeminine thoughts about all the wonderful, attractive, nerdy guys sitting around me, lol.

I was thinking about God, too. Religion has always been so open for me. I just don't know what to be. Or what to beleive. What do I call myself? I believe, truly, that God is female, but I am not crazy about all the Paganist or Wiccan ways. I really beleive in many of the Christian values, but it is also hard when so many are against anything regarding homosexuality, or in my case, Transgenderism. But I love the feeling of love and being spiritual that God can grant us. It's just difficult. We want one thing, and our body tells us another. My friend also thinks that I like the idea of Christianity better because it makes me feel better about being more involved in my...what's the word...I don't know.

And, as for fear, I am terrified because I am failing two of my courses. Science and Brit Lit. I am trying so hard, but I keep getting E's on my papers, and I can't seem to pass any of my tests. I don't know what's wrong, but I don't know how much longer I can do this. What fi I get kicked out of my major? What if I lose everything?

Was it weird to write about being horny and God in the same post?

It's electric! And my To-Do list. Video games?

So much to do today! Well, maybe not. I need to finish reading the last chapters of the Kafka's Metamorphosis and the Norton Anthology of English Literature it is time to read some Virginia Woolf. When not reading, I have errands to run. I need to talk to my landlord, and go see my electrologist for my weekly appointment. I need to pack. Going home for a three hour drive for easter, even though we only get a weekend. Two weeks before exams and I am stressing more and more every day.

I just want to play video games. Like Primal, or Zelda or something. Anything!

An alarm clock, a nosebleed, a doughnut, and a bug!

Well, Readers, today I woke up three hours earlier than actually needed thanks to a wonderfully large amount of blood gushing from my nose. Bummer, right? I hate them, they feel weird and are just entirely uncomfortable. Not to mention that my neighbor, in my apartment comples, sets his alarm and never wakes up. I mean, really? So, nothing I can do besides get up and get ready. I can only wish for a doughut though. So now I sit here, listening to Wicked: Hexen von Oz, and the song Frei Und Shwerelos by Willemijn Verkaik and Katrin Taylor on Youtube.

I aslso have to go over/finish reading Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis for my class at eleven this morning. It's a good book, having read it a few years back. Certianly not a favorite, but haven't we all had a dream or such like this? Or wished for something like this to happen to us or a loved/hated one?

Join me, Followers of Life and Literature!

I made this blog, I think I hope to make it as a diary of sorts. Thoughts and feelings, and ideas about life, literary works. Any followers I might get to know will get to know me. They will find my wants, my likes, my fears and wishes. This is a part of who I am. But who am I?

Elisabeth is not my real name. I'm smart, beautiful (Inside and out), happy, carefree, excited, Ilaugh a lot, I play video games until dawn, I write until my hands bleed, I'm a woman, I'm loud, but I'm quiet, and I'm sad, and I worry too much. I love my family, and my friends, and school and life, but sometimes it gets to be too much and I can't deal with it all.

So, Reader, care to join me on my transition? I hope to add essays and thoughts about everyday life, as well as that of my male-to-female gender transition. It wil be tough, but I need it. And I need you! <3